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~ Man In The Street ~
And now I’m thinking that I’m sinking into the groove of the night.
I’m sinking on my knees, the bullet of the gun hit me down. I feel the pain under my breast.
Look into a pair of deep blue eyes. And I loose myself in them.
You watch me afraid, but your look makes me still get a dose down my back. Can’t say anything.
Nothing is right now.
I feel how warm red blood runs out of my veins, flows out of the wound under my breast. And with this blood my soul leaves me.
So now I’m lying in the dirty old street, waiting for my last heartbeat.
You’re standing next to me, I can see your mobile phone, it is lightning at your left ear.
The pain in my breast is indescribable, I don’t want to hear, feel something. I want to die as fast as possible, without any torment; no more feeling the pain.
I close my eyes, all in my mind becomes black.
~ flashback ~
It was a cloudy afternoon, I felt that something special would happen today. Something special except the plan I had for this day:
I wanted to cut my past, want to stop the pain and danger for my body.
I told you good bye when I slept with you; the last time, I said. Then you looked at me, I have seen the question mark in your blue eyes.
“Why the last time?” you did ask and I answered: “The last time for a very long time… maybe also the last time. I have to go now, declare a problem this night. Don’t be angry or sad, I’ll try to come back to you as fast as possible! But I can’t promise, maybe I’ll never come back…”
Then I kissed you good-bye, took my anorak and closed the door behind me.
I heard you call after me loudly, I could tell you everything, you want to help me, you said.
No way, my dear, I thought… this is my problem and it was my fault what happened.
I went to the place where I wanted to meet them, the dirty old street. I was much too early, oh I had to wait a long time and my thoughts floated back to the past, when I started to play this bad game.
I lost my well-paid job. I felt so guilty ´cause I haven’t told you that they gave me notice to quit.
Every evening I came home later, and after a short time you recognized that something wasn’t right with me.
But should I tell you, that I am now one of the biggest drug dealers all over Helsinki, 4 weeks after I lost my job? Should I tell you, that they will misuse, hurt, kill me, when I stop sell drugs for them?!
I was too anxiety for you, your career, your health, your music. I don’t want to hazard you.
So I took the risk to loose you, give my life for your luck.
Our relation was what is called real love, we trust each other blind, you would give your life for me, and I would give my life for you. Always in every second of my life. With every heartbeat and every breath I took.
But I don’t deserve somebody like you, somebody with so much unconditional passion, such a sensible, nice and fascinating guy like you.
So I took a decision: I stop drug dealing, move to another town far away of Helsinki, and dip under. With or without you.
Drug dealing is a vicious circle, it keeps you in it, no chance to exempt from. One time in, never come out.
You meet the big bosses of drugs mafia, they tell you just some small facts and then you are in this circle. You can’t defend.
They say: “You can’t refuse this job, you know too much about, so you could tell some wrong persons.”
So you must do it, can’t fight back, are caught in this endless circle.
I decided to get out. Finally. For ever. Don’t waste any thoughts for my future, only for the here and now.
Then they arrived in a big black stretch limousine, I saw their faces, cold and strong they watched me.
Anntti and Jury.
They came to me, under their looks I became smaller and smaller
“So”, Anntti started speaking.
“You want to quit selling drugs for us?”
“Yes, I want”, I answered a bit afraid.
“And why?”, Jury goes on.
“I can’t do it anymore.”
“You can’t do it anymore?!”
“Yes, and I also don’t want!” Now my voice sounded shaky.
“You don’t want, either? Oh, it is your decision, but you now, you’ve been the best drug seller in this quarter! We will miss you, you know? And the world will miss you to maybe. Or maybe not!”
They laughed loudly with a cold voice.
Then all happened very fast.
I saw a silhouette of a gun under his jacket. I hadn’t any time for reacting. He pulled the Glock out of his bag.
Then I heard a loud noise that hit the silence. Shortly after I felt the pain under my breast, and thought: this is the end.
I heard them sit into the car and how they drive away scorching.
And then I thought I’m sinking into the groove of the night.
~ flashback end ~
I felt how you picked me up into your arms, want to give me warmth.
“Stay with me, please!” Your voice sounds nervous, afraid.
“I can’t…” … “What… what are you doing here?”
You watched me, shook your head. Some small tears running over your face. I saw you crying the first time in my life.
“Hey!” I tried to set down myself, but fell down again, too big was the pain.
“Shhh…” You laid your finger on my lips. “Don´t speak, you don’t know what you saying, I don’t need no reasons, don’t tell me ´cause it hurts.”
I closed my eyes… once again everything in my mind became blurred. Far away I heard somebody speak.
“I’m sorry, I was such a bad boyfriend, didn’t recognize your problems, always just have seen me and my music. I should have listen to you, I didn’t…”
I felt a drop on my nose, opened my eyes again and see your shocked face.
Tears flood over your cheeks, find their way down your base of neck and disappear in your coat.
And I still feel how the blood runs out of my wound, the pain becomes bigger and bigger. I tried to speak and these words costs me very much power.
“Lauri… Shhh.. Stop criticising yourself!… It’s not your fault… I should have told you that I lost my job… I’m so sorry!… But, promise me… live your life… try to become lucky… and please, please forget the last hours of my life! I want to be in your memory like you got to know me!”
I stopped speaking, hadn’t the power anymore.
Then I set me down and said:
“There is one thing I want to do a last time… maybe the last thing in my life…”
I closed my eyes and laid my lips on yours. Then a flash goes trough my body.
The last thing I ever heard, was your scream:
And the last thing I’ve ever seen were your blue eyes and the tears that flows out of them.
Then all becomes black and I didn’t felt anything.
~ The End ~